I've had enough of having enough all the time. I've had enough of being the party girl. I've had enough of feeling miserable. I was tired of disappointing and embarrassing my friends and family. I decided I needed a big change. Drinking in moderation just wasn't the best option for me. It never worked. Enough was enough. I tried something I had never done before - I stopped drinking alcohol at all.
When I started my journey to sobriety, I didn't know how long I would last. Now I can't imagine going back to my old life. There are a lot of good things about my new life and no more bad things.
Sobriety: Before and after. On the left, a peak drinking time. On the right, a few weeks ago, almost one year sober.
I learned that in my year without alcohol:
1. My senses are sharpened 100-fold.
Wow, I'm much more receptive to all impressions. These include feelings, muscle aches, smells, hearing, sense of taste. My nose has become so sensitive to smells. I say PERMANENT "Here it smells like ___ " or: "Boah, that smells SO intense." My feelings are crazy, sometimes I think that's what it must feel like to be pregnant. I break into tears at little things, I am hurt quickly and sometimes I am so happy that I have the feeling to burst. I even care what people think of me now. "Who are you and what have you done with Kelley?" These strong feelings can sometimes be overwhelming, but I have never felt anything so wonderful.
2. I'm just beginning to understand who I really am.
I learned that there are things I thought I liked. But I don't really like her. And there are things I didn't even know I liked. I have learned to reconnect with my friends and family and to be myself in their company - without the help of alcohol. I learned to wake up in the morning without a hangover, have a coffee and go for a walk. And I learned that that's exactly what I want. I learned that this person fogged over with booze and blackouts wasn't me. I'm not defining myself by the stupid, embarrassing things I've done. I'm a real person who doesn't mix well with alcohol.
3. Alcohol was no fun for me anymore
I tried for years to control drinking and I failed. I'll stop today after two drinks, okay, after three, just on weekends. That never worked and I finally figured out why - I just can't drink alcohol. It started years ago as harmless fun among friends, but last year I realized it wasn't fun anymore. In fact, alcohol was the cause of every problem I ever had. Bad things happened to me when I had drunk and I should have wanted to stop earlier.
4. I have my life under control.
When I was drinking, my life was a mess and I was comfortable with it. I fought my way through the first frightening months of not drinking. And now being sober is normal for me. I'm so happy about it. Bad things used to happen to me and I always had the feeling that they were the end of the world. And that the only answer was alcohol. Now I feel better prepared. I can solve problems in a healthy way. Besides, less bad things have been happening since I stopped drinking. I live in the present now and I am grateful for every day.
I got so much weight because of drinking alcohol. Now, I currently doing some exercise habits to loss weights. I am grateful for the 2 weeks diet challenge.
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5. I'm worth loving.
I'm sure I've sabotaged my romantic relationships for a long time. Why? It can take years to find out, but drinking has exacerbated this problem. It has supported, encouraged and justified bad decisions. Especially those who dealt with men. What I didn't realize until I stopped drinking was that I was able to have normal relationships. And that I actually deserve to be loved. I thought I deserved to be in a messed up relationship because I was messed up myself. Now I know how crazy that thought was. I am fortunate to have a loving, healthy relationship with a wonderful man who has shown me that I deserve all the love in the world and I am beginning to believe him.
6. Toxic people are like Toxic Habits.
This point is very important. When you stop drinking or doing drugs, you have to find other friends. I definitely had to and I realized how little I actually had in common with my old friends. My friends were very different from me, they had not the same goals and not the same views of life. It all felt pretended. When you make a big, life-changing decision like that to realize you have an alcohol problem, you find out who are true friends.
There are those friends who love you unconditionally, those who don't blink when you stop drinking and those who still offer you cocktails. I've met all of them. Getting rid of my toxic friendships along with my toxic habits just makes sense. And I'm learning not to feel bad about it.
7. I'm not perfect - and that's okay.
A bad habit like alcohol abuse can cause a lot of guilt, shame and remorse. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel all those things. Nevertheless, I notice that all these feelings that I have stunned for years are beautiful. I'm not just learning to let them. I learn to deal with them and to lead a healthy and successful life. I made mistakes and I'll never be perfect. Every day I have to make a decision not to beat myself up. I am still a long way from my goal and I have a long way behind me.
There are good days and bad days. Sometimes I think life isn't fair and I wish I could drink alcohol normally like any normal person. Most of the time I've accepted that my life is just like this. It's a bit like having five operations on your knee. Stopping drinking is proof of my stamina.
I never thought abstinence would be my choice for life, but now I couldn't imagine being the party girl again. I never dreamed I could live SO happy, fulfilled and healthy - without drugs and alcohol. I was always the girl who needed booze to have fun.
And now I'm proof that you don't need him to enjoy life. I wake up every day and I'm relieved that I never have a hangover. I hope that my story will encourage other party girls (and boys) to turn off the drink and live the life they've always dreamed of. The best is yet to come.
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